Guilt is something that can really bring someone down. Guilt has the potential to limit us from becoming all that we're intended to become. However guilt can also become an asset. Guilt when we do something wrong is a positive - it's when you don't feel guilt for doing the wrong thing that you are in trouble. So there can be both good and bad guilt.
After a long Sunday, I was exhausted at the end of the day. Sometimes after a long, stressful day I just like to sit back and maybe play some stupid game on my phone (which right now is Real Racing 3, since I got tired of Candy Crush Saga - but that's a different story). Sunday night I got so hooked into advancing my cares in RR3 that I ended up staying up much later than I should have, so when Monday morning rolled around at that alarm clock went off - and I didn't have to get up to take a child to school first - well, not only did I hit snooze but I also completely changed the alarm time for an hour later. I was able to go back to sleep, but I promise you that from the moment I got up I felt guilty - guilty that I had not gotten up and gone to the gym. I kept thinking about it all morning, and so at lunch I let my family know that I was coming home at 3:00 and I was going to the Y if they wanted to join me. Sure enough, that guilt drove me to get done what I needed to get done, and I was able to get into the pool for a bit of a workout.
As my family went to play racketball (with one son asking, "Dad, aren't you going to play with us?" Maybe he thinks my foot is doing better than I think it is!), I went and got in the water. I quickly learned my lesson as to why I would rather be in the water at 7:00 AM than after 3:00 PM - there were children everywhere. Not that I don't love kids, but you may have read that my time in the pool is supposed to be my "ME" time. I was aiming for 45 minutes, and I really was feeling the burn as I worked hard 5 minute intervals. Just after 40 minutes in the water, the lifeguards blew the whistle making everyone get out - even though it is an indoor pool, when there is a thunderstorm everyone has to be out of the pool and off the pool deck. Better safe than sorry. This morning I was able to go in and use the elliptical and do some circuit training. Tomorrow will be back in the pool.
The next 2.5 weeks will be an interesting time for me. I leave tomorrow morning (after my time in the water) to go to Annual Conference in Greenville - will have to do the best that I can with the hotel exercise room. Sunday I leave to be at Louisburg College for the week for a conference youth event that I'll be a part of - not sure what will be available to me there. The week after that I'll be on vacation with the family in Corolla out on the Outer Banks. If I can maintain over this 2.5 weeks, then maybe I'll be a little closer to actually starting to hit the pavement - my goal to start running is July 15. Maybe my guilt will keep me in check and help me be ready.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Flood of devotion
This morning I was not able to go to the Y for my normal workout time because today my youngest son was completing the 8th grade. With the time of the awards/graduation ceremony, I knew that I would have to go later - which is just fine since Fridays are the day that I take off. Fitting that on a day that was filled with a flood of emotion for many was also a day of flash floods as Tropical Storm Andrea great the area with a sloppy wet kiss. Now having had 2 sons complete middle school at Eastern Wayne Middle School, I am so grateful for the devotion that the teachers and administrators have poured out to these students - and I know that both of my boys have been shaped under their tutelage.
After a great lunch at Sumo, I was able to make it to the Y for my "me" time. I think one of the things that I miss the most about not being able to run yet is that my runs were such a spiritual/devotion kind of time. It was just me and God. Yes, sometimes the devil would sneak in, but usually is was just God and me. The deep water jogging has been a decent replacement as I rehab my foot, and today was true to form. When I got into the water, there were very few people in the pool, which was a definite plus in my book. Though I've tested on the MBTI as an extreme extrovert, I definitely have developed some extreme introvert tendencies - and I love, love, love that time where it is just me. I found it to be an interesting scene as I could look out of the windows and see the torrential downpours, while I "ran" in the 10' deep water.
As I ran, I kept reflecting upon how God has guided and directed my path through some stressful situations lately, and I just gave thanks for His ever-faithful devotion. After my first 5 minutes of warm-ups, I began to alternate intensity every 5 minutes - 5 hard and fast, 5 slow and steady. Before I knew it, my intended 30 minutes were up - but I just was not ready to leave what had become a sacred space for me. So I decided to stretch it to 45. When it hit 45, I decided to do what so many teachers have done day in and day out - I went beyond the expectation and I completed the full hour. When I climbed out of the pool, my body felt like Jello - and it felt amazing. I haven't had a workout/run like that for several months - possibly since October when I had my last longish run of 8 miles. I definitely had that "runner's high" today, and I was reminded how much I've missed that. And I definitely look forward to earning that again - hopefully within a month - out on the road.
The doctor said it was usually 2 months from the surgery before someone could start running, but he also said each case was different. I know that my foot feels better today that it did just one week ago. I am not going to push it too fast to get back to running - but I am getting excited because I know every day is a little bit closer. Between now and then, I've just got to remain devoted.
After a great lunch at Sumo, I was able to make it to the Y for my "me" time. I think one of the things that I miss the most about not being able to run yet is that my runs were such a spiritual/devotion kind of time. It was just me and God. Yes, sometimes the devil would sneak in, but usually is was just God and me. The deep water jogging has been a decent replacement as I rehab my foot, and today was true to form. When I got into the water, there were very few people in the pool, which was a definite plus in my book. Though I've tested on the MBTI as an extreme extrovert, I definitely have developed some extreme introvert tendencies - and I love, love, love that time where it is just me. I found it to be an interesting scene as I could look out of the windows and see the torrential downpours, while I "ran" in the 10' deep water.
As I ran, I kept reflecting upon how God has guided and directed my path through some stressful situations lately, and I just gave thanks for His ever-faithful devotion. After my first 5 minutes of warm-ups, I began to alternate intensity every 5 minutes - 5 hard and fast, 5 slow and steady. Before I knew it, my intended 30 minutes were up - but I just was not ready to leave what had become a sacred space for me. So I decided to stretch it to 45. When it hit 45, I decided to do what so many teachers have done day in and day out - I went beyond the expectation and I completed the full hour. When I climbed out of the pool, my body felt like Jello - and it felt amazing. I haven't had a workout/run like that for several months - possibly since October when I had my last longish run of 8 miles. I definitely had that "runner's high" today, and I was reminded how much I've missed that. And I definitely look forward to earning that again - hopefully within a month - out on the road.
The doctor said it was usually 2 months from the surgery before someone could start running, but he also said each case was different. I know that my foot feels better today that it did just one week ago. I am not going to push it too fast to get back to running - but I am getting excited because I know every day is a little bit closer. Between now and then, I've just got to remain devoted.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Harmony to the melody that nobody hears
After a late night visit to the local hospice for someone who is dying, I was fairly certain when I finally went to bed last night that I would not be going to the gym this morning. However, as is often the case, I felt guilty this morning, so I still went. Only having a few hours of sleep, and only having 1 cup of coffee, off I went and I wearily got up on the elliptical trainer. Once I got everything programed on the machine, I just went to work - and to truly escape from the fact that I was stuck on a different kind of "dreadmill," I stuck my ear buds in and listened to Pandora on my phone. One of the stations that I've found on there is the "Worship Central" station, and it plays pretty current worship and praise music from a lot of the artists that I like. Listening to the music, and not having to worry about where I was running (since I was on the elliptical, of course), I just shut my eyes and focused on the music and my breathing - though more focused on the music. Sometimes I get so immersed in what I'm doing that I almost completely forget that other people are even around. Such was the case this morning. I soon realized that I was singing harmony to the melody of "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. I knew it was the harmony, though I'm not sure that the 20 or so other people in the room who were annoyed by me knew that's what it was.
Everybody has a harmony in their lives to a song that no one else hears. It's that thing that drives you to something - whether it is what drives you to greatness in your work, your sports, or even your music. That drive is the perfect harmony to what it is you are trying to accomplish - and many times no one else can see how compatible the 2 things are. For runners, people will often say "I can't understand why anybody would want to run! I'd only run if somebody's chasing me or it they've rung the dinner bell." (Be honest - tell me that you've never heard either or those - or if you're not a runner, you know that you've said it!) It's as if they only hear the harmony but don't understand the melody. Same with followers of Christ - the world will say "I can't believe you'd get up early on Sunday/give your money away/go off on that mission trip for people that can't help themselves!" Because again, they can't hear the whole song - the melody and the harmony that bring it all together.
For you, I hope that you will keep singing the harmony, even if nobody hears the music in your life. I know I did, albeit not quite as loud. After the elliptical, I did some intensive circuit training - and then I was wiped out. Time to rest - because every song has at least one rest.
Everybody has a harmony in their lives to a song that no one else hears. It's that thing that drives you to something - whether it is what drives you to greatness in your work, your sports, or even your music. That drive is the perfect harmony to what it is you are trying to accomplish - and many times no one else can see how compatible the 2 things are. For runners, people will often say "I can't understand why anybody would want to run! I'd only run if somebody's chasing me or it they've rung the dinner bell." (Be honest - tell me that you've never heard either or those - or if you're not a runner, you know that you've said it!) It's as if they only hear the harmony but don't understand the melody. Same with followers of Christ - the world will say "I can't believe you'd get up early on Sunday/give your money away/go off on that mission trip for people that can't help themselves!" Because again, they can't hear the whole song - the melody and the harmony that bring it all together.
For you, I hope that you will keep singing the harmony, even if nobody hears the music in your life. I know I did, albeit not quite as loud. After the elliptical, I did some intensive circuit training - and then I was wiped out. Time to rest - because every song has at least one rest.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The journey of a thousand miles . . .
Many are familiar with the quote "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." This quote is actually a translation of a quote by Chinese philosopher Laozi, and is over 2000 years old (but it began with a single day . . .). Another translation of this quote is a little different, and this translation speaks to me in my current situation of rehab/recovery from my recent foot surgery: "The journey of a thousand miles begins beneath one's feet."
I've always embraced the idea that when you are beginning something, the hardest part is usually the very first. Those mornings when I would lay in bed after the early alarm clock awoke me from my slumber telling me that it was time to go run - the hardest part of that morning's run was stepping out of the bed. Likewise, as difficult as running a marathon is, the hardest mile that you run is likely the first mile - the first mile after you've decided to begin running - not the first mile of the marathon. So I certainly embrace the idea that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. However, in my particular case at the present time, the journey truly does begin beneath my feet, or foot to be exact.
As a minister, I commonly seek to live up to expectations that parishioners place upon me. As a 41-year-old minister, I'm still considered "young," but not young enough to be "hip" or "cool" (however, I'm both of those things - in my own mind, of course). So while I may not conform to all expectations, one area that I try to at least find common footing (so to speak) is in how I dress: usually on weekdays, business casual with a pair of dress shoes (wingtips, to be exact). This past Sunday was the first day that I've actually been able to put on my dress shoes on both feet (without the boot on the right foot), and I handled it pretty well with the exception of putting them on - which proved to be painful. However, once they were on I was just fine. Yet, I still wore a pair of casual dressy shoes on Monday - more of a comfort thing.
So yesterday I was in a bit of a rush in getting dressed to get to the office, so I decided to just put on a different pair of wingtips than what I had worn on Sunday (cordovan wingtips). Just getting them on was painful, but I figured I'd be alright. By the end of the day, my foot was killing me and my limp was quite pronounced. When I got home I was able to take them off, and I could see immediately that my foot was swollen. That shoe was just a little too tight to wear on a foot that is still recovering. So last night became an exercise elevation and rotating ice packs. Fortunately the swelling went down, and it feels tons better today. But this was a good reminder to me that I'm not where I need to be yet - and I need to make better choices to get there.
This morning I went to the Y again, and I did 15 minutes on the Summit eliptical, and then did some circuit training before I went for 20 minutes of water jogging. I'm more self-conscious and insecure than I care to admit, so putting on a floatation belt that looks a little girly (I think I'm going to buy one of my own instead of using the one at the Y) and then jumping in the pool and "running" - well, I feel like I've gotten a few looks. I'm not too concerned about those looks, because I know that this is an exercise that I can do that does not hurt, and hopefully it is preparing me for a 1000 miles. I do intervals in the water; I even stretch my stride out farther that I ever would on land, which hopefully will improve flexibility. All in all, this is the work that I hope will lead to the next marathon, whenever that may be. And when I run it, I will know that the journey to that marathon began with the water beneath my feet.
I've always embraced the idea that when you are beginning something, the hardest part is usually the very first. Those mornings when I would lay in bed after the early alarm clock awoke me from my slumber telling me that it was time to go run - the hardest part of that morning's run was stepping out of the bed. Likewise, as difficult as running a marathon is, the hardest mile that you run is likely the first mile - the first mile after you've decided to begin running - not the first mile of the marathon. So I certainly embrace the idea that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. However, in my particular case at the present time, the journey truly does begin beneath my feet, or foot to be exact.
As a minister, I commonly seek to live up to expectations that parishioners place upon me. As a 41-year-old minister, I'm still considered "young," but not young enough to be "hip" or "cool" (however, I'm both of those things - in my own mind, of course). So while I may not conform to all expectations, one area that I try to at least find common footing (so to speak) is in how I dress: usually on weekdays, business casual with a pair of dress shoes (wingtips, to be exact). This past Sunday was the first day that I've actually been able to put on my dress shoes on both feet (without the boot on the right foot), and I handled it pretty well with the exception of putting them on - which proved to be painful. However, once they were on I was just fine. Yet, I still wore a pair of casual dressy shoes on Monday - more of a comfort thing.
So yesterday I was in a bit of a rush in getting dressed to get to the office, so I decided to just put on a different pair of wingtips than what I had worn on Sunday (cordovan wingtips). Just getting them on was painful, but I figured I'd be alright. By the end of the day, my foot was killing me and my limp was quite pronounced. When I got home I was able to take them off, and I could see immediately that my foot was swollen. That shoe was just a little too tight to wear on a foot that is still recovering. So last night became an exercise elevation and rotating ice packs. Fortunately the swelling went down, and it feels tons better today. But this was a good reminder to me that I'm not where I need to be yet - and I need to make better choices to get there.
This morning I went to the Y again, and I did 15 minutes on the Summit eliptical, and then did some circuit training before I went for 20 minutes of water jogging. I'm more self-conscious and insecure than I care to admit, so putting on a floatation belt that looks a little girly (I think I'm going to buy one of my own instead of using the one at the Y) and then jumping in the pool and "running" - well, I feel like I've gotten a few looks. I'm not too concerned about those looks, because I know that this is an exercise that I can do that does not hurt, and hopefully it is preparing me for a 1000 miles. I do intervals in the water; I even stretch my stride out farther that I ever would on land, which hopefully will improve flexibility. All in all, this is the work that I hope will lead to the next marathon, whenever that may be. And when I run it, I will know that the journey to that marathon began with the water beneath my feet.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Working my way back
I cannot believe that the last time that I ran was Thursday, November 22, 2012. In a sense it is tough to call yourself a "runner" if you haven't actually run in 6 months, but being a runner is more than just putting on the shoes and pounding the pavement, trail, or even dreadmill/treadmill - it's also a state of mind.
November 22 was Thanksgiving Day, and my family and I were visiting with other family up in Frederick, MD. That morning several of us got up early to brave the cold and join over 5,000 in the Frederick Turkey Trot. I had known for quite some time that my foot was hurting, right where the right big toe joins the foot. I had noticed that while standing barefoot, that "knuckle" was larger than on the other foot, but really didn't give too much consideration. After all, I'm a runner - and runner's don't feel pain; we just endure it. However that morning as I ran through the crowded streets of beautiful downtown Frederick, I began to notice that my gate had changed. I began to notice that when my right foot would strike the ground I was subconsciously running on the outside of my foot - avoiding impact and movement on my right great toe (as is the proper name for the big toe). I decided that when I finished the race that I needed to take a bit of a break from running, because maybe it was just some swelling from an unknown injury, and I would give it a month or so to heal up. However, in a month's time the swelling did not go down, nor did the pain in that toe subside.
After several months of it not improving I spoke with the orthopedic doctor who is a member of my congregation, and we finally set up an appointment. After xrays, he was able to determine that I had arthritis in the great toe, and that bone spurs had been forming and creating that "swelling" across the top of the great toe. From the looks of the xray, you could see that the bone was hitting bone each time I moved that toe - and because of the advancement of the arthritis, I had very little movement of that toe. He said that over time the bones would fuse themselves together and I would not be able to move that toe - which would mean I at least would not have the pain of bone rubbing against bone with each step, but I also would probably not be able to run. The decision was made to perform a cheilectomy, which is essentially cutting/filing/scraping away the extra bone tissue that would allow me to have movement once again in that toe. This would likely not be a permanent solution, but one that would hopefully get me back on the road.
On Wednesday, May 15, I went in for the outpatient procedure. Making an incision about 2 inches long straight along the top of my toe, he found that a bone fragment had already broken off at some point, so he was able to just remove that. He had to cut away more bone than he had anticipated, as it was more significant than the xrays had shown. He saw very little cartilage remaining in that joint, which means that I will have to continue to deal with at least some pain until a better solution is devised. However, he gave me hope that one day I will be back. After getting around on crutches and staying home laid up for a few days, I insisted to be in worship that Sunday. That day I preached at 2 morning services, had a church luncheon, attended an hour and a half administrative council meeting, and then was a part of one more worship service - I was done in completely. It took me 2 days to recover from all of that activity. I had no idea how painful and draining this procedure was going to be. Since that time, slowly but surely every day I've made progress. Since last Tuesday, I've been back in 2 shoes (instead of wearing a walking boot) - so I'm ahead of schedule by a couple of weeks - but this is also under doctor's supervision and guidance, so don't fuss about me pushing it too hard. I still have very little flexibility with that toe, and there is still pain - but that is to be expected considering the bone is still healing. I still have to ice and elevate it some on some nights, but not all. And I'm walking with even less of a limp each day, putting more weight and pressure on that toe as I walk.
So yesterday I began working my way back. One of the exercises that I have come to enjoy during the time that I have not been able to run is water jogging - I check out a floatation belt from the front desk at the YMCA, put it around my waist, and then get in the deep end of the pool and just "run" in the water. It's not the same as the pavement, but I have grown to love that almost as much as running outside. It's never too hot (indoor pool), and it's never too cold. And it allows me that same sense of peace that running does. So yesterday was my first time back in the water since the day before my surgery - and it felt great! It felt so good to be back, and I only had a little bit of pain as the water would make my toe move a certain way a few times. Today I did an eliptical trainer for a while and then did some circuit training. The goal that I have in conjunction with my doctor is that I'll be able to start actually running again by July 15 - and possibly before - it all depends on how that bone heals. I will confess that last night as I left the church in the dark of the night, I did run about 20 yards - small, short steps, and of course very slow. Slightly uncomfortable, but honestly not too bad. Can't imagine how it might feel in a couple of weeks! Can't wait - because I'm a runner - and runner's don't feel pain; we endure it.
November 22 was Thanksgiving Day, and my family and I were visiting with other family up in Frederick, MD. That morning several of us got up early to brave the cold and join over 5,000 in the Frederick Turkey Trot. I had known for quite some time that my foot was hurting, right where the right big toe joins the foot. I had noticed that while standing barefoot, that "knuckle" was larger than on the other foot, but really didn't give too much consideration. After all, I'm a runner - and runner's don't feel pain; we just endure it. However that morning as I ran through the crowded streets of beautiful downtown Frederick, I began to notice that my gate had changed. I began to notice that when my right foot would strike the ground I was subconsciously running on the outside of my foot - avoiding impact and movement on my right great toe (as is the proper name for the big toe). I decided that when I finished the race that I needed to take a bit of a break from running, because maybe it was just some swelling from an unknown injury, and I would give it a month or so to heal up. However, in a month's time the swelling did not go down, nor did the pain in that toe subside.
After several months of it not improving I spoke with the orthopedic doctor who is a member of my congregation, and we finally set up an appointment. After xrays, he was able to determine that I had arthritis in the great toe, and that bone spurs had been forming and creating that "swelling" across the top of the great toe. From the looks of the xray, you could see that the bone was hitting bone each time I moved that toe - and because of the advancement of the arthritis, I had very little movement of that toe. He said that over time the bones would fuse themselves together and I would not be able to move that toe - which would mean I at least would not have the pain of bone rubbing against bone with each step, but I also would probably not be able to run. The decision was made to perform a cheilectomy, which is essentially cutting/filing/scraping away the extra bone tissue that would allow me to have movement once again in that toe. This would likely not be a permanent solution, but one that would hopefully get me back on the road.
On Wednesday, May 15, I went in for the outpatient procedure. Making an incision about 2 inches long straight along the top of my toe, he found that a bone fragment had already broken off at some point, so he was able to just remove that. He had to cut away more bone than he had anticipated, as it was more significant than the xrays had shown. He saw very little cartilage remaining in that joint, which means that I will have to continue to deal with at least some pain until a better solution is devised. However, he gave me hope that one day I will be back. After getting around on crutches and staying home laid up for a few days, I insisted to be in worship that Sunday. That day I preached at 2 morning services, had a church luncheon, attended an hour and a half administrative council meeting, and then was a part of one more worship service - I was done in completely. It took me 2 days to recover from all of that activity. I had no idea how painful and draining this procedure was going to be. Since that time, slowly but surely every day I've made progress. Since last Tuesday, I've been back in 2 shoes (instead of wearing a walking boot) - so I'm ahead of schedule by a couple of weeks - but this is also under doctor's supervision and guidance, so don't fuss about me pushing it too hard. I still have very little flexibility with that toe, and there is still pain - but that is to be expected considering the bone is still healing. I still have to ice and elevate it some on some nights, but not all. And I'm walking with even less of a limp each day, putting more weight and pressure on that toe as I walk.
So yesterday I began working my way back. One of the exercises that I have come to enjoy during the time that I have not been able to run is water jogging - I check out a floatation belt from the front desk at the YMCA, put it around my waist, and then get in the deep end of the pool and just "run" in the water. It's not the same as the pavement, but I have grown to love that almost as much as running outside. It's never too hot (indoor pool), and it's never too cold. And it allows me that same sense of peace that running does. So yesterday was my first time back in the water since the day before my surgery - and it felt great! It felt so good to be back, and I only had a little bit of pain as the water would make my toe move a certain way a few times. Today I did an eliptical trainer for a while and then did some circuit training. The goal that I have in conjunction with my doctor is that I'll be able to start actually running again by July 15 - and possibly before - it all depends on how that bone heals. I will confess that last night as I left the church in the dark of the night, I did run about 20 yards - small, short steps, and of course very slow. Slightly uncomfortable, but honestly not too bad. Can't imagine how it might feel in a couple of weeks! Can't wait - because I'm a runner - and runner's don't feel pain; we endure it.
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